“It’s a Major Award!”

I just completed my fifth year working for the same company.  To honor my dedicated service and stellar work ethic I was awarded this:

A pen.

It’s not any ordinary pen, though.  It is a sterling silver Tiffany pen which costs TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FIVE MOTHERFUCKING DOLLARS.

This, ladies and gents, is exactly what is wrong with Uhmericah.  I don’t care if it’s lovingly hand-crafted from virgin unicorn horn and 24 karat blow jobs.  No pen is worth that price tag, even if you’re using it for “sounding”.  Be sure to Google that at work.

In the interest of SCIENCE!, an example:

Maybe I just lack the refinement to appreciate such accoutrements, but to my eyes, the writing from a pen which costs .001% as much looks better than the Tiffany Fuckmaster 6000 Ultra.

This leads me to my other point, which is:

Q: If the extremely expensive pen is less functional than its cheap, mass-produced plastic counterpart, what possible value does it have?

A: It’s a status symbol.  And if you’re the kind of person who mistakenly believes that dropping $225 (or, for fuck’s sake, more) on a pen will impress your friends, colleagues, and/or trophy wife, you should immediately go home to your four-car garage, shut all of the doors and windows, start up your Bimmer, Porsche, Bentley, and Rolls Royce and breathe very, very deeply.  You are a spectacular asshole and failure of a human being, and are actively working against the advancement of your species.

I don’t want to appear to be looking a gift horse in the mouth.  My boss is a nice guy, and I am not ungrateful.  The recognition is very thoughtful, but the price is astronomically retarded.

I am the .001%


About effwhybee

I enjoy long walks on the beach, ice cream, hate, hypocricy, venom, invective, and kittens.
This entry was posted in fnord, for realz yo, fuckyourblog. Bookmark the permalink.

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