Delete Your Fucking Facebook Account

There's an asshole in there

I know I talked about doing it before, but I couldn’t seem to bring myself to delete my Facebook account until a few months ago. I wasn’t checking it very frequently and was posting considerably less often than I do here.  After another argument with my wife, the subject of which was, “shit I don’t care about that someone said on Facebook”, I decided that enough was enough.

I was late to the Facebook party. I didn’t join until 2010, and even then I only joined at the behest of my friends who were constantly asking why I hadn’t already. It was interesting (and, I admit, maybe not “fun” but pleasantly distracting) for a while. Trips with my large family were organized. I could see photos of new offspring and events in which I did or didn’t participate. I could watch as memes spread through my associations and the world in real time. I could troll people with content similar to this blog on a much wider scale.

The alluring and deceiving part is that on the surface, Facebook seems innocent enough.  It appears to be a great, free way to share pictures and keep in touch with all of your friends and family at once.  But in reality, you are willingly handing over your most personal details to participate in the greatest focused-marketing group in the history of mankind.  You are also being groomed to be just another self-absorbed asshole, ejaculating eye-roll worthy details about the trivial minutiae of your life from your smartphone into cyberspace to splatter and dry there forever.

Through my halfhearted participation for two years, the veils started to lift and the bullshit became clearer with every one of these conversations:

“Oh Emm Gee!  Did you see what so-and-so said about [insert controversial opinion here] on Facebook?!?”

“No.”

“[Insert breathless rant about how they CAN’T BELIEVE said controversial opinion/that I didn’t see it/that I didn’t participate in the ensuing shit storm.]”

WHO

FUCKING

CARES?

Life is far too short for me to care about your family’s trip to Acapulco, the great meal you just had, or the fact that you had to walk in the rain to a gas station when your car broke down. I also don’t care about how you think Stanley Kubrick helped fake the moon landings or that the president is a SEEKRIT MOOSLUM.

I’m not trying to be antiquated, but if there’s something you think I’d be genuinely interested in hearing about, call, text or email, or for fuck’s fucking sake, talk to me in person. Not everyone needs to be a publisher. Probably not even me. But I’ll write what I please, and if you want to read it, terrific. If not, there’s always option B.

Option B is fuck you, go read something else. There’s a wide world of assholes with opinions out there who think people care what they say, and you’re free to choose another. At least I’m easier to avoid than your “feed”.

You Are The Product

In a speech at a conference in 2010, computer security expert Bruce Schneier said, “Don’t make the mistake of thinking you’re Facebook’s customer, you’re not – you’re the product. Its customers are the advertisers.” Those advertisers pay Facebook handsomely for access to extremely detailed aggregate data about your life, your likes and dislikes, your opinions, and your influence on the people associated to you. Then, they pay to have advertisements and news stories specifically targeted to your acute demographic displayed in your “feeds” and those of your like-minded friends.

By using Facebook, you are allowing that despicable, many-penised marketing hydra to clog your every orifice with inanity and discover clever new ways to make you part with your money and/or abandon your common sense and right to privacy.

Who needs privacy?

Have you ever noticed that when some man-made catastrophe happens, the first thing the media does (other than start referring to the culprit with their middle name included) is scour Facebook and other social media sites for information, pictures, and video related to the suspect? Well, the media isn’t the only entity that does that. Potential employers, potential suitors, and that creepy kid from high school with bad skin, an expansive hentai collection, and a decades-old masturbation fantasy about you are all doing it too.

If you think the recent news stories about illegal NSA wiretapping and data interception are scary, imagine them correlating all of that cell phone and email data with a detailed psychological profile gleaned from your Facebook posts.

Most importantly, one of the terms of service you agree to when creating your Facebook profile states:

  1. For content that is covered by intellectual property rights, like photos and videos (IP content), you specifically give us the following permission, subject to your privacy and application settings: you grant us a non-exclusive, transferable, sub-licensable, royalty-free, worldwide license to use any IP content that you post on or in connection with Facebook (IP License). This IP License ends when you delete your IP content or your account unless your content has been shared with others, and they have not deleted it.

For those who skipped that legal mumbo jumbo and just clicked “agree” when creating an account, let me translate it.  Any video, picture, or words you post to Facebook belongs to them.  The “transferable, sub-licensable, royalty-free” part means that Facebook OR ANYONE ELSE OF THEIR CHOOSING can use your content however they please without crediting you or giving you a dime. The rights to that content don’t cease when you delete your account, because it has already been “shared with others”, and the “privacy or application settings” to prevent them from claiming the exclusive rights to the content you upload don’t exist, even if you set your profile to friends-only.

So, imagine seeing those photos you posted of your kids in a swimming pool on a billboard or rolling by on a bus-length advertisement without Facebook providing you any kind of prior notification or compensation…EVEN AFTER YOU’VE DELETED YOUR PROFILE. That’s exactly what you agreed to.

Look at me!

Basically, if you’re not promoting a band, a business, or a product and you have a Facebook account, all you’re promoting is yourself, you despicable fucking attention whore.

If you’re wondering whether or not you should have a Facebook profile, here’s a handy questionnaire:

Q1: Am I willing to voluntarily relinquish my privacy in order to share photos and life experiences with my friends and family?

Q2: Am I so self-absorbed that I think anyone would be interested 95% of said photos and experiences?

Q3: Do I enjoy creating or participating in overly dramatic discussions/arguments about ultimately irrelevant topics?

Q4: Do I believe that those discussions make me an “activist” bringing attention to a worthy cause?

Q5: Am I a vapid, narcissistic cunt?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, congratulations!  Kill yourself.

But not before you update your status to “melancholy :(” and post your suicide note to Facebook.

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About effwhybee

I enjoy long walks on the beach, ice cream, hate, hypocricy, venom, invective, and kittens.
This entry was posted in facebook, for realz yo, fuckyourblog and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Delete Your Fucking Facebook Account

  1. Outfuckingstanding.

    ~Charlotte

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