Curriculum Vitae

mr natural

“Find what you love and let it kill you.”
-Charles Bukowski

I am a 38-year-old male with a part-time command of the English language and extensive technology experience.

I have been building/troubleshooting/repairing/hacking/playing with computers since I was 8.

Although I have little in the way of formal education, I’ve had a career in corporate information technology since 2001.

My current professional title is “IT Manager”…the importance of which in the Grand Scheme of Things is self-evident.

I smoke marijuana every day, as it provides the perspective I need to live among The English.

I enjoy playing video games.

I have a genuine distaste for authority, unjustifiably entitled persons, and garden-variety assholes.

I can’t solve the mysteries of the universe for you, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my time on this planet, it’s that if there is a meaning of life, it’s definitely not “to work hard”.
[That’s not to say anything hard isn’t worth doing, but stress is the mind killer.]

I can smoke brisket for sixteen hours and make gazpacho and jjinppang mandu from scratch.

I think if I cooked for a living I would also want to kill people for a living as well.

I have included bullet points because:

  • They make for easy reading.
  • They draw the eye of “scanners.”
  • They infuse an air of professionalism into an otherwise unprofessional presentation.

I am an adept pirate and will often spend (read: waste) billable hours at work listening to and maintaining my hoard of illegitimate FLAC music files and the server I run at home to share/stream them to the smartphones and computers of my friends and family.

I can’t calculate the trajectory of a muon traversing an arbitrary volume, but I can discuss at length why transcoding lossy-to-lossy music files is a bad idea, or how to set up a secure cron/rsync job to synchronize your seedbox with a home computer at regular daily intervals.

I am of the opinion that our capitalism-at-all-costs society is diametrically opposed to the continued health and well-being of all living things.

I once suggested the name “Allied Industrial Disco Services” for my friend’s laser projection business and he thought it was a bad idea.

I am ready to stop using toilet words like “value-added”, “c-level”, “verticals”, “laterals”, and “deltas”. I’d enjoy never having to “drill-down” into something unless I’m holding an actual drill in my hand. I will die a happy man if I never have to “circle back” anything except the Conestoga wagons of my family and friends to protect against Injun attacks.

That said, I need gainful employment or else my family and I will starve.

Please refer any job offers to effyouceekaywhyohyou@hotmail.com.

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[Insert vile epithets here]

Sorry for the blur.  Shaking with rage.

Sorry for the blur. Shaking with rage.

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Jungle

“Melancholy, slightly cerebral funk.”  And I don’t like music videos or dancing in general.  Go figure.

These guys are opening for Outkast at the Montreal Jazz Fest and again, fuck you, Pierre.

Also at Union Transfer June 19th – http://www.utphilly.com/event/529267-jungle-philadelphia/

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Noel

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Merry Pan-Sexual Multi-Ethnochristmas-type Winter Solstice Celebration™®© to you and yours this most joyeux season.

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Get The Blessing – Lope And Antilope

These guys should be playing live somewhere on the east coast this summer.

Go see them.

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Apathy as a Valid Self-Preservation Method

The brilliant author/philosopher/self-appointed Pope Robert Anton Wilson once titled a book, “Reality is What You Can Get Away With.”  I first read it when I was 15 or 16, and the title has profoundly resonated with me throughout my life. Many of the things Wilson wrote are open to interpretation (which I’m sure he intended), but that one sentence is seemingly ironclad in its meaning.

Reality, or the way we perceive the world around us, is far more malleable than we might imagine. The way we react and adapt to the non-stop torrent of sensory/emotional stimuli around us every day is equally dependent on our perception of it. If you actively try to change your perception of something, you are actually changing reality.

Well, your reality anyway. But that’s the point. Reality is created by each of us, individually.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife, etc. 

Wilson may not have been the first to say it, but to my knowledge he was the first to put it so simply and eloquently. Of course, this is my gross oversimplification of his premise, but I have found this to be an indispensable tool in filtering and processing the events of my life.

I’m not implying that it’s easy. Human beings are creatures of habit, and our squishy simian brains are subject to the sum of all of our experiences and all kinds of neurochemical influences. It’s difficult to force yourself to imagine that someone might have just lost a parent, sibling, child, or spouse when you’re cursing the idiot motherfucker who just crashed his car and caused the traffic jam that is currently making you late for work. Or that the 20 minute delay on the way to your soul-crushing, monotonous job on some random November morning is really insignificant when considered in the context of your whole life, the length of time humans have been on this planet, or the age and vast expanse of the universe.

It isn’t always effective, either.  When you see people jumping from a burning skyscraper, or read about preschool children gunned down in a classroom or a man-made or natural disaster claiming hundreds or thousands of lives, it’s nearly impossible to find an alternative to dwelling on the fact that awful, hateful, and terrible things are happening all over the world, around-the-clock, every single day.

But, for most situations, there’s one thing.

Wilson’s words have assisted me greatly in coming up with my own coping strategy:

Fuck it.

That’s it.  Six letters plus your preferred choice of punctuation.

I’m not saying “fuck everything” either. This isn’t intended to be some nihilistic, teen-aged screed pointing out the ultimate meaninglessness of life. Quite the opposite, in fact. All events may be equally meaningless in the “grand scheme of things”. But that also means, as conventional logic would follow, that they are all equally meaningful.

Those six letters are the verbal equivalent of water rolling off of a duck’s back. They can be applied to any situation, positive or negative, with the ultimate aim of achieving calm in the face of what are usually harrowing experiences.

It’s Zen Buddhism for the meme generation.

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Kurt Vonnegut Reads: War Backwards

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Andy Christ

andychrist-issue1-coverfront-DELUXE

Read Andy Christ.

Or, you could spend $50 on both deluxe editions, and the immensely talented Pat Grubb will also draw you an original picture of what Andy and Rasputin’s penis did on summer vacation.

It’s just a wholesome story about a boy who discovers that he’s the harbinger of the apocalypse.

If you enjoy this, you’ll enjoy that.  Simple, really.

http://www.andy-christ.com

GENTLEMEN

GENTLEMEN

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No-Talent Hick Cunt

FACT: Miley Cyrus is a no-talent, attention-whoring, and likely inbred hick cunt.

Her act the other night was indeed a crime against humanity…but no more so than her father’s mullet-flavored brand of country rock used to be.

You made Billy Ray rich and allowed him to thrive and reproduce. Now, 20 years later, everyone’s talking about this fabricated “controversy”. Even me.

The cycle of bullshit continues unabated.

Enjoy reaping what you’ve sown, America. It fucking sucks.

Posted in "music", for realz yo | 3 Comments

Let Freedom Ring

I’d imagine that Martin Luther King would have hoped that 50 years later, the words he spoke would merely be the punctuation at the end of a shameful chapter in the history of humanity.

While some things have certainly changed, it’s sad that his dream is just as relevant now as it was in 1963.

If you’ve never heard this in its entirety, now is a good time.

tl;dr: Don’t raise your kids to be ignorant, bigoted assholes.

EDIT (8/29): Today, I found the image below and I must revise my previous statement. Dr. King’s dream is dead, and we are far too stupid to ever coexist peacefully. Fuck this planet.

fuck

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